Buying a new bed, what bed sheets do I go with?!

First up! we have a thread count! Every bedding company and their mom is riding the “highest thread count” train. But does thread count actually affect the durability of sheets? Yes, but not in the way that you think!

The way that companies are able to squeeze more and more threads per square inch into their sheets is by thinning the threads. The thinner the thread, the more of ’em they can pack into that space. Unfortunately, the thinner the thread, the more likely it is going to break. With infinitesimally small broken threads, you’re going to be looking at the most uncomfortable problem with old sheets: pilling. Nothing will make you suspect someone ate crackers in your bed faster than pilly sheets.

So DON’T go for some of the more insanely-high thread-count sheets.

There is one thing you do have to decide before determining which strata of thread count you want (thick-thread/average count, or thin-thread/higher count). Do you like your sheets crisp, stiff-feeling, kinda snappy? Are you the type of person who actually sleeps with a top sheet? tucked in under the mattress with a blanket and a coverlet on top? Or, do you like your sheets to be silky, smooth-feeling and drapey? Do you always wind up with your blankets wrapped around your legs and don’t even bother with a top sheet anymore because it just gets all twisted up anyway?

If you’re the first type, go for percale sheets, 200–300 thread count. Yup. I know that sounds craaazy! 200 threads/square inch? Ah, but there’s a method to this madness. Percale sheets have a high thread-thickness (also called denier), and it’s quite difficult to shove more than that in the measurable space. Because of this, they are aaaahmazing workhorse sheets.

If you’re the latter type of person, I’d recommend a sateen weave (NOT satin weave!) of about 400–800 threads per square inch. Any more than that and the company is either a) lying and counting the number of threads in the twist of the yarn, rather than the single yarn thread, or b) is spinning so small they won’t last a season, much less BIFL.

FIBERS

Ok, next there’s a multitude of fibers to choose from: cotton, combed cotton, egyptian cotton, cotton flannel, cotton/poly, poly/cotton, polyester microfiber, rayon microfiber, microfiber, linen, cotton/linen, linen/cotton, silk (real, from worms), wool. These all have their pluses and minuses, but the real question you have to ask yourself is: what’s my sleeping temperature?

Cotton bedding is obviously a popular choice, partially because it’s so versatile. It can be crisp, if it’s a percale; silky, if it’s a sateen; fuzzy, if it’s a flannel, but it can’t be all of these things at the same time. Crisp cotton is best if you run hot. Since the sheet doesn’t mold to your body, it introduces an element of air flow appreciated by many. Sateen is sorta-neutral, sorta-warm. Since it molds around you, it tends to mirror your own body. I don’t like sateen because for some reason my thighs are always sweaty while my feet are always freezing. Flannel, since it’s fuzzy, is able to trap warm air pockets in the sheets to keep you warm. NOT to be used by the furnace-sleepers out there, and if you share a bed with a furnace-sleeper, don’t even try to make flannel work.

Linen is the coolest of all the materials. And it is a royal bitch to find. Not only do most vendors catagorize all their sheets as “linens,” but even when you sort by fiber, a few son-uva-bitches call cotton sheets “linen.” (bastards.) Anywho, linen has the amazing ability to draw just a crap-ton of moisture away from your body and never feel damp or yucky.

Wool is more of a flexible fiber. Everyone knows it’s great at keeping things warm, but it can also be used in the summer. Since wool locks moisture away in the fiber, it can keep mildly sweaty people from feeling like they showered in bed. It does take a long time to air-dry if it does get wet, can smell a bit like sheep, can be scratchy if you’ve a wool allergy — oh, hell… there’re reasons why no one other than Irishmen or New Zealanders buys wool sheets — get wool blankets, instead!

Silk’s number one downside is the cost. Now, when I say silk, I mean from real worm, not-vegan silk. Not that rayon-silk shit, or some silk-look/habuti shit or some polyester-satin shit people call silk but doesn’t act, feel, look or any other way even remind people of silk once they actually feel and appreciate silk. Silk is the pinnacle of everything humans want next to their skin other than another human. It is tactile manna. I can’t actually go on, I’m getting emotional just thinking about it.

Thanks u/jessthepest!